Wednesday, 22 October 2008Y
*this is my temporary new blog skin as there's problem with my old one.. *
but i might change back to the old one again if the prob is being solved, if not, i think this skin is quite a nice one too. (:
anw, caught HSM3 gala premiere during the weekends and it was just FANTASTIC!!!!
if you are a hsm fan, u definitely wouldnt want to give this movie a miss!!! but i am so reluctant to let it come to an end..
i will miss troy, gabriella, sharpay, ryan, chad, taylor and the whole cast and crew of hsm since this would be the last series..even if theres a 4th, not all the characters will be involved including my beloved troy. oh man.. but its ok.. as dear zefron(zac efron) will be appearing in new upcoming movies and gorgeous vanessa will also be performing well in her singing career.
how i wish i am studying in east high now and being able to enjoy the school life they have in the show itself. it will be so fun with such conducive environment and with all the great friends and classmates around.. having lessons wouldnt be a torture there. well, it will never gonna happen. so *smacks head* and get back to reality.
i wanna be a wildcat. if i can..... wildcats rocks!!!
9:41 pm
Saturday, 18 October 2008Y
WARNING: HEAVY IN CONTENT. READ AT UR OWN RISK.
*erm, not trying to be emo. its just some happenings in life tat made me feel like writing this post... read on only if u have the time*
i just came back from changi hospital an hr ago.
i am perfectly fine. nothing wrong with me.
but theres something seriously wrong with my grandpa.
that's his health. and it has caused him to be admitted into the hospital.
he has been in critical condition a few weeks back but has turned better to be transferred to a normal ward lately.
frankly speaking, though he is the father of my mother, and eventually the grandfather of mine, he is like a far-away relative to me, whom besides blood relationship, i have absolutly no connection with. i have never really spoke to him before, only just a basic courtesy of greeting, not to say even having a heart-to-heart talk with him. that is why sometimes i would very much admire those youngsters who have grandparents that are very close to them, whom they can share their problems and experience with, and whom they can communicate very well with.
when i am still young and naive, my grandpa seldom play around with me, or maybe i have no impression of him being close to me.
when i am obedient enough to know what is filial peity, my grandpa is already old enuf to experience the later stage of life.
he is the one and only eldest member of my family, but there's just too huge a gap between us which have never been brought closer even by one inch since i were young.
but its hard to contain the bitterness in me the moment i place my eyes on a weak and frail aged patient lying helplessly on the cold hospital bed.
i know he hurts. the incredulous pain which is totally hard to bear. i see him closing his eyes resting, but he just couldn't be in ease, even in his sleep. i know, because he is in agony.
as much as i know tat he is helpless, i couldn't do anything to help him lessen his pain. i see his crumpled face, his deep frown, his injuries and blue-blacks left behind as a result of the tubes being heartlessly inserted into his bony hands and body parts.
i have no wild wishes, but i just hope for the better. i hope my grandpa would be released from his pain and live happily and healthily. such a simple wish. but suddenly it seemed so hard to come true when the cruel fact dawns upon u.
i couldnt help but think if one day i would end up like him. like the rest of the patients. i dare not think about my mum and dad ever landing themselves in this kind of completely unfamiliar and empty place, yes, empty, not the surroundings but in the heart.
that's just life. and we have to learn to accept it.
i do not know what lies ahead of me. and theres no harm saying tat theres a possibility tat i am still young and alive now, but would never have the chance to talk to u again tomorrow. we never know. becos life is always so unpredictable.
we always say to ourselves: live life to the fullest, live life with no regrets, appreciate and treasure watever we have now, think of pple who are in a much miserable position than us and we will know tat whatever problems we face now are so insignificant.
we say all these to motivate and encourage ourselves, but how many of us really make the effort to remind ourselves about these and fulfill these simple meanings in life?
i am starting to lose a specific target and goal in life. specifically, i do not know what i want after i graduate. funny huh. if u know me well enuf, u should know tat i am so certain about the aspirations and ideals i have about my future. but tat was in the past. for now, i suddenly lose my way. i lose all the confidence and hope i have once held in me. i do not know what the future holds for me. everything seems so unimportant and unurgent to me now.
i know i shouldnt let this kind of negative thoughts and feelings get the better of me but they just couldnt be get rid of.
i know what i have to do now is to focus on the current work i have now, study hard, achieve what i should achieve, do wat i am supposed to do, not letting my parents down, and think less about things tat concern the uncertainties in future. but seriously, i do not know what the problem lies in me now..
fortunately, i have not totally lost the meaning in life yet. i still know what i am supposed to do now and i know i have to pull thru this period of time no matter how tough it is. i might have my friends and family with me to overcome watever tat blocks my way now, but i know i have to walk the remaining path and road myself. so, i have to stay strong.
dont worry peeps who happen to be concerned about me, i have no problems. i am perfectly fine. i just need a space to vent and rant. thank you for ur precious time if u have bothered to read my lengthy and meaningless (if it might seemed) entry..
its a new beginning tomorrow. and i think i am prepared for it. at least, a little. are you?
11:25 pm
Thursday, 9 October 2008Y
what a joke.
i thought i could depend on myself, my own will, my own determination and power to overcome my illness. but ultimately tat was just too naive of me. i eventually gave in by visiting the polyclinic and waited for a god-knows-why-so-long 2 hrs queue to consult the doctor.
so now i have 4 kinds of medicine to consume. damn.
that goes to show how WEAK i am. yes i am.
anyway. sch's gonna start next mon. in just 4 days time.
a part of me is earning to go back to spend quality time with my frens in sch with that "don't wait till you step into the working society tat u start to regret not cherishing ur teenage schooling life" mentality, rather than staying at home rotting away with nothing better to do..
but another part of me is resisting the impending pressure and stress that will be arised from the intensive asignments+projects period once sch reopens.
so yes i am trapped in this self-contradicting circle of thoughts..funny ya.
but in any case, i just hope everything goes on smoothly for me next semester, to be more exact and precise, my last sem in np.
realise how time flies, and looking back at the numerous experiences i have been thru for the past 1 and a half yr.. well, not a good time for nostalgia. yet, i guess.
just to round up, i have had a pleasant hols. and mainly becos of radio 1003.
i will miss the days spent at the studio, on stage, at dragonfly, at the restaurant, EVERYTHING tat concerns radio 1003 and the DJ haunt. seriously. i will miss it. and of cos i will miss all the DJs there. especially kemin and ahken. double K. what a coincidence. they are all fun, friendly, lovely pple. how i wish time will just stop at the most wonderful moments in our lives. perhaps its not just reality tat is cruel. time is cruel in iteslf. but oh wells, time and tide waits for no man.. that is a kind of cruel reality isn't it?
so do not hesitate and grab hold of the precious moments u have now, appreciate and cherish everything u own now, spend ur time wisely, spend everyday to the fullest, and remember, not to leave behind any room for regrets.
luckily, there are always my idols to motivate me. whenever i on my laptop/flip my hp to see my dadong/xiaozhu/xiaogui as my wallpaper, it just brightens up my day.. whenever i on my msn to see my dp.. not forgetting to catch baifenbai, browse thru my pics folder.. forums and blogs to see their faces, to be informed of their latest news and updates, to feel their existence just gives me the strength to move on.. you dont just love them becos they are eye-candies worth admiring but becos your spirit will naturally be boosted when they appear before ur eyes..and to put it simply, they make u SMILE.. that is why i love my idols so much.. and not just remaining at the superficial level of being a plain fanatic..
they are the ones that keep me going along this tough and long stretch of road..
do bear this in mind, no matter what, you will never be alone. there will always be pple who will be there for u, who will stand by you, be it mentally, physically, or silently to give u all the support they can..
for me, it will be my friends, my sisters, my family, my idols and yeps radio 1003. (:
for them, i will strive for the best.
jiayou and take care pple!! =D
3:19 pm
why did you choose me? of all pple?
why did you want to cling on me, not wanting to let go, so stubbornly sticking to me?
what did i do to deserve this kinda treatment from you? why did i have to oblige to you? why did i have to surrender to you without any room for negotiation?
i hate you.
i really do.
can you just let me off,
set me free, please?
i hate this feeling. i feel breathless, restless and helpless.
but i can do nothing to prevent this feeling from overcoming me.
its so impulsive, so overwhelming, too much for me to bear, too fast for me to react.
i hate you.
disastrous FLU!!!!
pls GET LOST.
i am saffocating becos of you!
idoitic, irritating, sickening FLU.
stop lingering on me and tormenting my life pls!!!
i am suffering from sleepless nights becos of you.
i am using up almost all the tissue boxes i have at home.
i am stucked at home, with absolute no energy to go out and i have to give my camp/my shopping/k box session a miss becos of you!!
i am too weak to even open my mouth to talk, too drained to even care about blowing and wiping my nose.
if only you can let go of me, stand in my shoes and empathize with me.
its unbearable and it takes me so much courage and determination to stand up against you. i know i will not be defeated by you.
i will get well soon.
i will make sure i prove to you that i am capable of defending myself against you.
i will win over you. i will.
ah jun mei, u must jiayou!!!!!!
i am going to recover without visiting the clinic for a second time within a single week!!!!
10:27 pm
