WARNING: HEAVY IN CONTENT. READ AT UR OWN RISK.
*erm, not trying to be emo. its just some happenings in life tat made me feel like writing this post... read on only if u have the time*

i just came back from changi hospital an hr ago.
i am perfectly fine. nothing wrong with me.
but theres something seriously wrong with my grandpa.
that's his health. and it has caused him to be admitted into the hospital.
he has been in critical condition a few weeks back but has turned better to be transferred to a normal ward lately.

frankly speaking, though he is the father of my mother, and eventually the grandfather of mine, he is like a far-away relative to me, whom besides blood relationship, i have absolutly no connection with. i have never really spoke to him before, only just a basic courtesy of greeting, not to say even having a heart-to-heart talk with him. that is why sometimes i would very much admire those youngsters who have grandparents that are very close to them, whom they can share their problems and experience with, and whom they can communicate very well with.

when i am still young and naive, my grandpa seldom play around with me, or maybe i have no impression of him being close to me.
when i am obedient enough to know what is filial peity, my grandpa is already old enuf to experience the later stage of life.
he is the one and only eldest member of my family, but there's just too huge a gap between us which have never been brought closer even by one inch since i were young.

but its hard to contain the bitterness in me the moment i place my eyes on a weak and frail aged patient lying helplessly on the cold hospital bed.
i know he hurts. the incredulous pain which is totally hard to bear. i see him closing his eyes resting, but he just couldn't be in ease, even in his sleep. i know, because he is in agony.
as much as i know tat he is helpless, i couldn't do anything to help him lessen his pain. i see his crumpled face, his deep frown, his injuries and blue-blacks left behind as a result of the tubes being heartlessly inserted into his bony hands and body parts.

i have no wild wishes, but i just hope for the better. i hope my grandpa would be released from his pain and live happily and healthily. such a simple wish. but suddenly it seemed so hard to come true when the cruel fact dawns upon u.

i couldnt help but think if one day i would end up like him. like the rest of the patients. i dare not think about my mum and dad ever landing themselves in this kind of completely unfamiliar and empty place, yes, empty, not the surroundings but in the heart.

that's just life. and we have to learn to accept it.
i do not know what lies ahead of me. and theres no harm saying tat theres a possibility tat i am still young and alive now, but would never have the chance to talk to u again tomorrow. we never know. becos life is always so unpredictable.

we always say to ourselves: live life to the fullest, live life with no regrets, appreciate and treasure watever we have now, think of pple who are in a much miserable position than us and we will know tat whatever problems we face now are so insignificant.
we say all these to motivate and encourage ourselves, but how many of us really make the effort to remind ourselves about these and fulfill these simple meanings in life?

i am starting to lose a specific target and goal in life. specifically, i do not know what i want after i graduate. funny huh. if u know me well enuf, u should know tat i am so certain about the aspirations and ideals i have about my future. but tat was in the past. for now, i suddenly lose my way. i lose all the confidence and hope i have once held in me. i do not know what the future holds for me. everything seems so unimportant and unurgent to me now.

i know i shouldnt let this kind of negative thoughts and feelings get the better of me but they just couldnt be get rid of.

i know what i have to do now is to focus on the current work i have now, study hard, achieve what i should achieve, do wat i am supposed to do, not letting my parents down, and think less about things tat concern the uncertainties in future. but seriously, i do not know what the problem lies in me now..

fortunately, i have not totally lost the meaning in life yet. i still know what i am supposed to do now and i know i have to pull thru this period of time no matter how tough it is. i might have my friends and family with me to overcome watever tat blocks my way now, but i know i have to walk the remaining path and road myself. so, i have to stay strong.

dont worry peeps who happen to be concerned about me, i have no problems. i am perfectly fine. i just need a space to vent and rant. thank you for ur precious time if u have bothered to read my lengthy and meaningless (if it might seemed) entry..

its a new beginning tomorrow. and i think i am prepared for it. at least, a little. are you?

11:25 pm